Toilet Paper is one of the least respected necessities of our gentile and modern existence. Try going without it!
I often tell the roommates to buy food, but lately I have taken to warning these wastrels of human oversight to "Buy Toilet Paper." Try going without it!
In the ancient past, the wealthy and kings used a soft cloth, probably soft as burlap, to scrap the leavings of their BMs. Oh Pity the poor serfs and chamber maids that of want had to clean those royal rags. Or the Left handed Bedouin camel surfer with only sand and the left finger to service the task. Stink Finger means a whole new thing aye what? And each story of the frontiersman searching out the soft oak or maple leaves prior to defecating o'er the convenient log.
Not until a short 200 years ago did man enjoy the TP. The first TP was much like coarse crept paper, coarse in the extreme and a luxury at that. Have you ever wondered where the phrase; "Shit, Shower & shave" came from? Well dear reader, it was the British Military Manual on Hygiene that first gave use that phrase. Why? Because the British Military Man went to war without any TP.
The manual on hygiene stated; (and I paraphrase) “In order for a proper soldier in her majesty’s army to maintain battle readiness, each man will defecate first in the morning latrine and henceforth report directly to the shower, deftly scrubbing their butt crack and then proceed to the lavatory to shave their beard. One must never enter battle with a shitty ass as the dirty ass is easily inflamed and may adversely effect a soldier’s ability to run directly into oncoming enemy fire. Also, being clean shaven makes for a good looking corpse and therefore proper burial.”
Now, with this brief history lesson behind us, let us consider how you will deal with the absence of available butt cleaning paper at the eventual post apocalyptic BM. Barring the availability of soft “Charmin” (Brand TM) you will be faced with very few options… Namely; “go without” and this is really not a good option because your butt crack with certainly and quickly become raw and chaffed due to your vial diet, or you will resort to crumpled and work-worn (crumpled between your hands until it becomes Soft-er) newsprint, which may be a viable alternative until you realize that the paperboy quit delivering the newspaper weeks ago, you are rich and can afford slaves to wash out the foul hand-towels, you are a “Prepper” and had 20,000 rolls on-hand… Or like me, when anarchy rules, you will have an army of willing slave girls to wash you bum with rose scented water (because I amassed enough foodstuffs to feed) the army of hungry slave girls.
You get the gist of the problem. Now, a bit of humor: TP is import as shit (pun intended), and my favorite: What is the similarity between a roll of toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise? They are both circling Uranus looking for Klingons! I’ll bet you never gave it a thought.
Den
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